Police Pages

Can you do your bit and help the Police

http://www.birminghammail.co.uk/news/mid...can-you-9635557

I'm sorry, I know this must be very irritating to you but there is nothing we can do.
I can give you a crime number if you need one.

Hello caller, you say they are smashing your front door in with a sledgehammer? I'm not sure that is entirely illegal.
Anyway, we are quite busy at the moment trying to get people to invent twenty year old claims against well known men.

Could you ring back when they are actually inside your house and beating you to death, then we'll see if we can't rustle up a crime number for you?

If its DIY crime prevention from now on im keeping my baseball bat handy

Hello caller, if you insist on beating your assailant with a baseball bat then at least drag his body into the street afterwards. It will save us an awful lot of time tracking you down.
Please be advised that if your assailant turns out to be known to us as an habitual violent offender then we will be forced to arrest you and treat you worse than our old friends, the criminals, who keep us in work for the thirty years we have to serve before we retire at fifty.

Oh yes, I nearly forgot to ask, did anyone famous ever come on to you while you were cosying up to them for sycophantic reasons? If not, do you think you might be able to remember something you haven't forgotten for the last forty years, like it never happened and then it suddenly came to you under interrogation?
It might help us to help you.

Oh dear we seem to have run out of crime numbers, will you take a rain check?

Volty if this is going to turn into a serial, can I have the film rights please.

I'm sorry SB, we have a warrant, now you see it now you don't, that says quite clearly, to those of us who have seen it, that we may enter you or your premises and remove any and all evidence, that we find or bring with us, for the purposes of sending you down.
This may or may not include any documents, whether subject to copyright or otherwise, that have the potential to become the subject of a film script at a date later than the date on which said documents were discovered and immediately removed for the purposes of evidence of involvement in either a crime or not a crime.

If you believe you have a claim to any such rights then you should follow this up in civil courts as the police are unable to help in such matters. A crime number will not be provided.

May we take this opportunity to remind you that any hereto unsavoury thoughts you may not have had regarding any deceased celebrity and/or politician may now be formed into hearsay evidence and forwarded to our special ten thousand strong past imaginary crimes unit for fast track processing into a monetary claims case. We cannot guarantee anonymity during this process as we routinely leak all of our dodgy evidence to the gutter press.

I see

What did you see? You're not withholding evidence are you?

Volty's have you ever thought of joining a police. Committee.
They love constructive criticism.